An Open Letter to the Great Indian Spitter

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Dear “Spit”kha Singh,

Oh no, don’t be afraid. The attached photo is a selfie right after what you attacked sullied my dignity on the streets in front of everyone.   Don’t worry, I am not going to sue you. I am not going to dethrone you either from your Hindustanism by asking you to stop chewing paan, neither am I ready for an intellectual masturbation on “Chewing Chaini Khaini and watching their ads is mortally injurious to health and sanity!”.  I delve into this extremely serious matter irrespective of the color of the mucus that you shot at me with an aim so immaculate that it would make Toshiba cancel Bindra’s contract and hire you instead. Few ungrateful common men like you have turned a menace for common men like us! The whole of Incredible India, barring BJP for whom India ceased to be incredible the day Congress took power (60 years ago!) and are now ready to dis-honour every credibility to bring India’s incredibility back, considers you a stain of shame on our windshield that has to be removed as soon as possible if we want to zoom ahead towards Global Tourism Superpowerdom!

The Spitter

See, yesterday while walking on the footpath a bus happened to pass by me and it also happened that you were commuting by that bus and adding to the unfortunate set of happenings it was you who were perched on the window seat. It doesn’t matter, considering the seriousness of the offence, if you probably were enjoying the cool spring breeze or checking the barometric pressure with your nostrils. Because, like every other Politician for years have done right after taking the Constitutional Oath, you spit! A mix of betel-nuts, zarda and other condiments on my face! And you sped away, in your bus, as if whatever happened was just nature taking its course through the tumult of time! So, this polite letter.

If you scrounge the internet, assuming that you do know using the post-modern device to “slackerville”, you will find hundreds of such accidents on the road with red-mouthed “spit”-fires practicing their art on the walls of public places, monuments, offices, roads, and sometimes, for a change, using live models like me. Why the bloodshed on the street brother? Don’t you have the sanity to at least spit at or on the right places? Like the SIT reports? Just a suggestion-why don’t you carry a canvas with you?? You could practice on the run and may be even come up with something for eBay or OLX!  See, everything that smells of Indian culture, draws a mix of admire and disgust and is Exotic by Western standards can be auctioned in London or at least is made into a BBC documentary! Who knows?

By the way, don’t misunderstand the word, “Exotic!”. It’s not always someone with a surname Chopra trying to take advantage of our ever shrinking attention span! (Jeez! Not Uday! Da fool!). The west already has its share of cleavages claiming to be talented singers and the entire world is coping with it.

Phlegm or no phlegm, the roads are not petri-dishes to collect your sample. You know how it feels when your sticky oral discharge sticks to the soles of my boot and swings like a dust-coated spidey web every time I take a stride? (Wait! I’ve to throw up!).And please note that the walls of the theaters are supposed to have that color and your clogging them with your saliva is not going to help their acoustics!

So, stop turning our monuments into “spit”svillas, stop claiming your ownership on every damn corner that comes on your way to work, stop claiming that you are supporting a million dollar cottage industry and thus doing your part in solving the unemployment problem, stop saying that it’s a prescription drug to constipation and headache! And stop being a human spray gun and claiming that Lal Darwaaza was your creation!

Whether you spit because you get this sudden urge to spoil a perfectly clean spot or you just want to fulfil your parents’ wishes of leaving your mark everywhere you go or like that underage addict who just wants to see how red is his oral-shit every time he tries a new brand, don’t be alarmed and get all worked up with your spitzigun when I tell you that your act’s disgust can be compared to that of Subramaniam Swamy’s smile when he faces an unanswerable, uncomfortable, unpalatable question! Take that! Hah!

They have already shown it on the televeeson that you are not a part of Incredible India! Even the videshi woman from US of A who has more love for Dharavi than Louvre` Paris and shoots everything on this side of Radcliffe Line with her Sony Handycam  gave you that Swamy look! You are the reason why America treated Ms.Khobragade the way they did! (It wasn’t a VISA fraud, it wasn’t about smuggling someone to a foreign land on a forged VISA which is a criminal offence, it was not such a trivial matter! It was pure vengeance!)

So, please be a good human being, or at least for the duration when you chew shit in your mouth. Please honor the effort that took to build these streets, places, monuments. Please don’t be a menace for we already have both our hands full. And if you really need an addiction, try politics, its more addictive, gives you that high that you need, legalises the nuisance and much more that you are capable to create and even makes you immune to guilt!

Yours truly,
A Once Bubble-Double Chewing gum lover.

Written by Tapas Mohanty >>

Tapas Ranjan Mohanty is a manufacturing engineer by profession and also a photographer and a poet.He resides in Hyderabad and would like to lend a hand in mending the society.

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Indian Exponent: An Open Letter to the Great Indian Spitter
An Open Letter to the Great Indian Spitter
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